


the hermit sits alone

by Sage (pen_ding)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29964027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pen_ding/pseuds/Sage
Summary: Things were quiet. And, as I'm willing to bet most of you reading this are aware, quiet is a very peculiar concept in the mindscape. Even with only Roman and Remus around, the mindscape walls already echoed with a cacophony of sounds and noises. Singing, arguing, nails on a chalkboard, more arguing, obscene noises, and did I mention the arguing? I mean, Janus loved a good debate as much as the next side, but were all the expletives and detailed imagery really necessary, Remus?
Kudos: 6





	the hermit sits alone

**Author's Note:**

> I think I kind of turned this into hurt/comfort, so my apologies. If you're just here for the fluff, skip to the second section!
> 
> Title from Lines Composed a Few Miles above Tintern Abbey by William Wordsworth.
> 
> Disclaimer: It's very rare to faint from a panic attack, but I used the fainting in this story. I suppose I could argue that they're not really real people or that it makes sense but honestly it just made narrative sense. Just a lil disclaimer for those of us with anxiety - that bit isn't realistic! <3
> 
> cw// touch starvation, murder mention, internalised ableism (but with a happy ending), panic attacks, anxiety, heavy cursing, fainting.

Things were quiet. And, as I'm willing to bet most of you reading this are aware, quiet is a very peculiar concept in the mindscape. Even with only Roman and Remus around, the mindscape walls already echoed with a cacophony of sounds and noises. Singing, arguing, nails on a chalkboard, more arguing, obscene noises, and did I mention the arguing? I mean, Janus loved a good debate as much as the next side, but were all the expletives and detailed imagery really necessary, Remus? Remus' arguing could barely even be called arguing. It was more a "seeing-who-could-out-gross-the-other-person-the-most" competition, which meant he usually won. Then, once you add in the hissing and disgruntled noises of Virgil (who most definitely was not a cat, thank you very much), and Patton trying to control everything, keep everyone calm and happy (or at least not going around and smashing plates, Remus) - well, sometimes it was too much. But there were other times. Times like these, when the mindscape was quiet. When the twin avoided their arguments, settling for mainly elbowing and kicking one another from wherever they were sitting. Virgil slowed on the "What if nothing is real?' spiels and avoided instigating hissing matches with Janus, Logan was - well Logan was never usually that noisy anyway - but he at least engaged in some of the less... civilised things they'd do for fun (on the weekdays that was baking, and on the weekend that was murder). Patton sobered up a bot usually, feeling more like a human and less like the walking embodiment of optimism (and yes, I can see the irony in that). He toned down his 'dad voice' as much as he could feasibly do, which meant Remus didn't rebel as much, and overall - everything was a lot calmer.

They were currently huddled around the sofa, watching a movie - it was too small to fit all six of them. The twins probably could have made a new one, but it was better like this. People being closer to Janus meant more people to exploit. They were vulnerable. It definitely did not have anything to do with the tingling on Janus skin. Or how tightly he hugged a pillow at night. Or how his human skin was left red from the hot showers. No siree. In quiet moments like these, it's harder to keep it in. Not that Janus is ashamed of himself; he was all about self-care after all. No, it was more than that, stimming was a sign of weakness. Flappy hands would be considered adorable if any of the other sides caught wind of it.

Remus would probably make some crude gesture, cackling at the way his hands moved. Logan would simply raise an eyebrow. He'd never bring it up again, but Janus knew that he'd be thinking about it - a silent judgment that followed him everywhere he went. Roman and himself already had a rocky relationship and he's not about to hand Roman ammo to mock him with. Patton would mean well but is exactly the kind of person who sees you stim and pinches your cheeks, calling you cute and babying you all the while. Janus can almost hear it now,

_"Oh my goodness, you're so adorable! So cute! C'mere and let me snuggle you to death."_

Ugh, no thanks.

Virgil might take it the best out of everyone. By which I mean, he'll give a grunt, maybe a nod if you're lucky, and then go hide on the top of the fridge or under the bed.

Not to mention it was _weird_.

Thomas didn't stim. Neither did Logan, or Patton, or Roman, or Virgil, or Remus, or any of the people Roman and Remus had created, or any of the other sides Janus had heard murmurs of, or-

A hand landed on his right shoulder, firm and hard, as the person to his left scooted closer, leaning into him slightly. The smell of cinnamon and vanilla and petrichor filled his brain and that meant Patton and Virgil.

The movie seemed distant, although it might be a documentary now, Janus wasn't too sure, because all he could focus on was-

warmtouchsafepeoplefriends

It echoed around his brain like that one famous windows screensaver.

And then the picture went in the corner and he lept up, hands in front of him, eyes darting.

A voice, both distant and close, gravelly and high, asked, "What's wrong?" but Janus suddenly found that where his tongue should be was just a tongue-shaped led... thing (okay, cut him some slack, his brain is currently focusing on more important things than analogies). There were colours on the couch, and all of them radiated concern and safety but also fear and Janus didn't know what the fuck they were scared of but he did know that he should be scared of it too and he needed to hide.

tap

shit.

tap tap

shitting fucking shitballs.

tap tap tap tap tap tap-

Janus snapped his head down, looking at his hand resting on his thigh and oh god he was tapping his fingers. Well, at least he wasn't flapping his hand and being coddled or laughed at. His heart was thumping in his chest too quickly for it to sound normal, and he felt like he was going to collapse. Oh god he was panicking His vision dimmed slightly, eyes trying desperately to focus on whatever was towering over him.

"Janus, we're going to do some breathing exercises. Breathe in for four, hold for seven, and out for eight. Breathe with me."

Breathe. Janus could do that. He'd been doing it for the last thirty years.

Just breathe.

Breathe.

Huh, why was the world getting darker? And fuzzier?

It doesn't matter.

Just breathe.

\---

oh. oh, poor little snake. you find it so hard to relax around others.

i understand. it isn't your fault. i know. i feel it too.

but you need to let the past go.


End file.
